Archive for the ‘Articles’ Category

(Life) Frame : The importance of being earnest…
08/08/2009

This is an idea that I have been finding, and then losing, and finding again recently… To explain what I mean I’ll start with a definition, first from m-w.com, and then my particular emphasis…

Frame : Date: 14th century

1 a : something composed of parts fitted together and united b : the physical makeup of an animal and especially a human body : physique, figure
2 a : the underlying constructional system or structure that gives shape or strength (as to a building) b : a frame dwelling
3 obsolete : the act or manner of framing

So for me when I think of my “life frame” I am thinking of my life as something composed of parts fitted together and united. I also like the second meaning, in this sense my life frame is the underlying constructional system or structure that gives my life shape and strength. I also like the (now obsolete) idea of the frame as the act or manner of framing. It reminds me that my life frame is not something static, its a process of continual renewal, so that to talk of my frame is to talk of the quality of my framing, the acts and manner by which I try to frame my life.

The main enemy that I have found that hinders my life frame is absorption. I came to this idea after noticing that some weeks I am more present in my life, aware and mindful of the different parts and the fitted together whole, whereas other weeks I somehow lose myself, becoming absorbed in one part of my life while neglecting the whole. During weeks like this I feel driven, compelled towards the absorption, so that little else matters. I forget to water my plants, (both literally and metaphorically!), I eat compulsively or not at all, I forget all the little administrative details that then come back to bite me.

On weeks when I maintain my frame, I manage to balance work with home life, I notice the weather, find myself interacting in subtle but meaningful ways with my world, and generally tend to all the flowers and plants without forgetting any of them.

Obviously its not black or white, most of the time I am somewhere in a grey middle zone, but my frame affects the quality of my life so much that I have started to focus on it specifically and try to improve it.

Sometimes, I just have a bad week. Some demand is placed on me by work, or some other external stressor – or goal – in my life takes up all my attention. Some things I cannot predict.

But there are times that I can catch myself before falling into an aversive or addictive absorption and remind myself to keep my frame. And the more often I do this the more balanced my life is.

So keeping my frame has become a central theme. Now I watch out for warning signs that things are slipping: dishes in the sink, wilted flowers, forgetting minor admin, etc etc and I try my best to keep my balance.

Masochism: A bridge to the other side of abuse – Elizabeth Howell
27/04/2009

Full Article

Every once in a while I come across a research article that opens my mind. I have come across the idea of “subpersonalities” before, and have recently been researching on the “repetition compulsion”, amongst other things psychological. This article really stuck out from the crowd in offering a concise, coherent, and useful model to explain self-defeating behaviour (specifically masochism.) I recommend it to anyone who finds the following excerpts interesting.. (The author has also written a book called: “The dissociative mind” which has been highly aclaimed.)

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Victim-blaming connotations stemming from (the term masochism’s) historical linkage to the motivational concept of pleasure in pain disappear when masochism is re-framed as an outcome of dissociation rather than of volition.

Although masochism is not limited to these diagnoses, dissociative processes appear to be central to the development of masochistic psychopathology.

A key issue in a discussion of masochism is that of responsibility for harm…. Obviously the perpetrator is responsible for the harm done.

Many of the hallmark characteristics so often found by writers about masochism are also symptoms of traumatic abuse: passivity, lack of will, and symbiotic enmeshment, a sense of being blameworthy and unworthy, and hypnotic-like feelings of helplessness and tendencies towards revictimization. Long before the recent literature on trauma, these symptoms of traumatic stress were described in the psychoanalytic and pyschological literature about masochism, but without recourse to the vocabulary of dissociation.

The repetitive,driven quaility of much masochistic behaviour lends itself to observes’ interpretations that the abuse is desired, invited, or pursued. One theme of some recent theoretical approaches is that the masochist is not seeking pain or punishment per se but tolerates it in context of something else that is desired. For instance, attachment need can take priority over the avoidance of pain. However, even a desire for attachment would in itself be insufficient to sustain the quantity and intensity of abuse that is often sustained by masochists. The pain would be intolerable and priorities would be reordered. It is dissociation of the pain that makes the abuse tolerable and that, together with attachment need, drives the masochistic solution. The dissociative phenomena associated with this process include depersonalization, derealisation, amnesia, identity confusion, and alteration, and isolation of affect.

…attachment behaviour is often increased by threats from the attachment object. Threat from the attachment figure increases the need for protection. Abuse can increase separation anxiety.

One way for the child to deal with attachment to a punitive, dangerous figure may be to split off constellations of representations of the abused self, the abusing attachment object, and the accompanying rage and pain, so as not to impede attachment.

The”good” segment of the self is enthralled, often unawares, as if unconsciously spellbound by a rageful, persecutory self-state, trying to avoid the provocation of others through pre-emptive internal persecution or self-criticism. In contrast, the rageful persecutory self-state must be aware of the ordinary conscious self to control it.

Furthermore, it will be harder for the masochist to separate from the abuser: the locking in effect of projective identification (in which the victim may project his or her own dissociated rage onto the abuser), is another reason that abuse begets more attachment behaviour. In projective identification, a person locates a dissociated aspect of the self in another person, and then, often rather passionately interacts with the dissociated part. In my opinion, projective identification, which is often described rather magically in the psychoanalytic literature, is premised upon dissociation.

Unfortunately, anger (abuser self-state) and fear of abandonment (abused self-state) can each elicit the other,  activating the protector/persecutor. This is one of the reasons that when things  go badly for masochistic people, they can become more and more rigidly self-punitive as opposed to comforting themselves. The self-blame about which we hear so often follows from the trauma-induced assumption that the person’s own behaviour is the only relevant behaviour to be modified.

Since attachment is kept in focal awareness and aggressiveness which could otherwise protect and serve the self is not available to self-experience, the dissociatively adapted individual feels quite vulnerable.

the past abuse was so intolerable, so unbearably repugnant, that it could not be assimilated and awareness of it has been banished from ordrinary consciousness. From this point of view of the processing of danger cues, instead of seeking abuse, the masochist (abused self-state) is “subject” to it.

Thus, the illusion of escape through dissociation may be rewarding, creating a chronic dissociation that perpetuates the perception of helplessness that has been learned in certain situations.

While the masociist has dissociated aggression, agency, and will, what she or he has not dissociated is attachment need. While idealization and the dissociative tuning out of danger cues is part of what gets the masochist in trouble, the illusion of hope holds in place the possibility for the development of real hope. The hope for hope in the masochistic psyche is like holding the place of a person invited to a dinner party until he or she can get there

This organization of self allows for the hope for a better form of relatedness. Thus, the illusion of hope, with good psychotherapeutic treatment and/or life experiences, can serve its function of holding in place the possibility for the development of real hope. Having retained the capacity for attachment, the healing masochist may also have the capacity to take it in, at least to some degree, when an honest, caring, interpersonally – rewarding relationship is encountered.

The Repetition Compulsion – revisited
17/04/2009

I have come across several different possible explanations for the repetition compulsion in the literature. There is a considerable ambiguity about what repetition compulsion actually covers, since some would include PTSD style flashbacks and nightmares in the category. For me, repetition compulsion requires that an individual’s actual behaviour appears directed towards replicating an earlier trauma. There is a distinctly tragic aspect to this, since the behaviour in question is not recognised as having this intention by the person. In the words of Paul Russell,”

The repetition compulsion is the repetition of that which, so far as we know, we would far rather not repeat. This covers a lot of ground. It can be a very simple affair, or extraordinarily complex. It can be of such complexity and power that one has the impression that it is the act of an intelligence that is more than a match for one’s own. It can at times operate like a doom, a nemesis, a curse. The same thing will happen, again and again, despite one’s best efforts at avoidance, prevention, control. In fact, it gets its name precisely on this account; that despite the apparent wish to avoid the pain, the cost, the injury of the repetition, one finds oneself repeating nonetheless, as if drawn to some fatal flame, as if governed by some malignant attraction which one does not know and cannot comprehend or control. It has, in other words, all of the external earmarks of a volitional act, and yet the person is unaware of wishing any such thing. In fact, quite the contrary; he or she would wish to avoid it.” (from Trauma, Repetition and Affect)

I like this description, it fits my understanding well. However, Paul Russell then goes on to give his explanation which he describes as “a mathematics of competence”. The underlying idea is that “You have to keep doing it until you get it right.” The original trauma causes a disruption in some developmental process that leaves an area of affective immaturity, and the repetition compulsion is driven by our psychological need to complete the developmental task. Within this frame, it only seems demonic because all previous attempts up until now have failed. However, once the task is mastered, we would then reframe all the painful prior repetitions as just “practice”. To use his analogy, while learning to parallel turn on the ski slope, each attempt at throwing our energy forward over our skis to switch edges feels like we are surrendering to a demonic act of self-sacrifice, and leaves us freshly bruised and at the bottom of a pile of snow.  Each attempt, that is, until the one when we complete the turn, and feel the rush of success. A few days of practice later and we wonder what the trouble was about.

Its a seductive analogy, not least because it reframes the repetition compulsion in such a positive light. I have learnt to ski and I remember how appaullingly frightening was the necessary surrendering of control required to broaden my envelope of confidence. But for me it doesn’t really square with the quoted section above. To extend that to the analogy of skiing, I would suggest that it would be more akin to the experience of skiing down a slope with a single tree at the bottom of it. All we have to do is avoid the tree. We are certain it is a task that it well within our capabilities. And yet as we work down the slope, various “critical decisions” require us to change course. First we think we see a patch of ice ahead so we turn early, bringing us a little closer to the tree, but still at a safe distance. Next we get a cramp in our leg that requires another change of weight, which strangely seems to bring us more in line with the tree. However we still have plenty of time to avoid it. Then we are overcome by the pressing fear that we forgot to turn off the oven before we left the house, absorbing us in thought for 3 seconds. At the moment critique, just as we are about to luckily avoid the tree that seems to have ended up rather closer than we anticipated, we stick our pole into the snow and run over it with our ski, forcing our trajectory directly into the aforementioned conifer. Sitting looking back up at the slope, we remember each event, each decision, how fervently we wished to avoid the tree at all costs, and yet, we can’t help but be puzzled by the path of our descent, revealed in the snow. It really looks like we could not possibly have been trying to do anything other than ski directly into the tree. While scratching our head’s and waiting for someone to call the air ambulance, we catch sight of a pair of child’s skiing goggles stuck in the tree. Imagine our confusion when we reach up to pull them out only to discover that they have our name sewn into them, the very pair of goggles that we must have been wearing when we took that family ski-trip all those years ago, the one which we don’t remember but that left us with a broken nose and a strange and inexplicable fear of fir trees… Later on, in hospital, with casts on both legs and a gloomy prognosis, we tell the story to our nurse, to which she remarks, “well, you must certainly have wanted those goggles back.”

I guess this is why Freud decided, after considerable reflection, that there simply could not be any utility to the repetition compulsion and invented the concept of “thanatos” the “death drive” to explain it. Frankly if I had to make a choice between these two explanations, I’m down with the thanatos.

However, there is another explanation that I prefer. Coming soon in “the repetition compulsion -revisited again”

Repetition Compulsion – “You can’t hold back the past…”
16/04/2009

Repetition compulsion is the term used by Freud to describe the mind’s tendency to repeat traumatic events.

“The patient cannot remember the whole of what is repressed in him, and what he cannot remember may be precisely the essential part of it…. He is obliged to repeat the repressed material as a contemporary experience instead of remembering it as something in the past.” – Sigmund Freud, Beyond the Pleasure Principle

Freud noted the need for repressed material, however unpleasant, to emerge into consciousness is more powerful than the pleasure principle. It is crucial to understand that the reliving of previously dissociated trauma is experienced as a contemporary event.

“We seem to be dealing here with some internal, systematic error that eludes our perception and control. In fact, the suspicion begins to dawn on us that the more painful the experience, the more we were injured by it, the more likely it is to be woven into something we find ourselves compulsively repeating. This is more than a little unsettling. It feels spooky; Freud used the word “daemonic.” There is some powerful resistance that appears to operate against all efforts at learning to anticipate, to avoid, or to alter the painful repetition.” Paul Russell, Trauma, Repetition and Affect Regulation

This powerful resistance, that feels spooky or even daemonic when subjectively experienced, seems to me to pose almost as much of a problem for our theoretic psychology as it does for our practical living. What could the selective advantage to the organism be in a system that deliberately repeats harrowing experiences from the past, despite our (sometimes frantic) conscious efforts to prevent it?

It like a memory insurance policy that offers protection from painful experience through dissociation. Okay, so dissociate the memories because their too painful, make me repress them so that I can forget it and get on with my life. Great! sign me up! oh, but look at the small print. Later on, once you’ve completely forgotten all about it and are getting on with your life, a subconcious process beyond your control is going to take over your behaviour and force you to recreate situations which as authentically as possible reenact the original dissociated trauma. Um…. let me think about that for a second. Guess I don’t need your dissociative memory insurance policy afer all, mister, what was it, B. Elzebub. Perhaps you could try my neighbour next door, I never did like him much…

more to come, once I’ve done some more research.

Helping to heal by guiding the client’s attention
09/02/2009

Yesterday I saw a friend who had had a nasty car accident at the beginning of January. She had a compound fracture of her humerus and a lot of associated soft tissue damage. Her arm was immobilised in a sling and she could only sleep sitting up, I felt that she was still carrying a lot of stress from her ordeal. She asked me to massage her arm during class while I was sitting next to her. She was super-sensitive to any shock on the side that was hurt and I tried to move carefully while I was beside her. Her arm was immobilised in a sling and the tissue around and inferior to her shoulder joint were flabby and hypotonic. In contrast, her entire trapeze muscle was rigid with tension, that formed a large knot above the medial superior corner of her scapula. To begin with I coud do nothing more than stroke her shoulder and arm, and take her hand gently in mine. I tried simply placing my hand lightly onto the tense area, but even the lightest touch caused her to flinch with the discomfort of the recognition of her own tension. I moved to work gently on her neck instead and this worked better. She tolerated a lot more pressure and seemed to find relief in being able to get some traction on her tension here. As we slowly worked together she started pushing back against my fingers, it felt to me that she was reclaiming conscious control of the tension process in her neck, bringing relief. After working on that for a while, I tried moving back to passive contact with the knot of tension in her shoulder, and she could tolerate it. I felt the energy start to move in the knot as she allowed her attention to remain in the muscle, and could feel and see the muscles twitching in lines proximal to the knot, up towards her neck and head. This also seemed to bring her relief and she reported being able to rotate her head further laterally than before. I then went to moved to work on her rhomboids where she said she was feeling tension. We located a spot where the pain was centered and I applied gradual pressure with my thumb, allowing her to lean back into the pressure and thereby regulate it. She gradual pushed harder and harder until I had to place my other thumb over the first to maintain the pressure. Over the space of 5 minutes I gradually worked along a deep tension line that ran laterally and superiorly away from her T3-4 up and across towards the superior medial angle of her scapula. By the end I was inside the main knot itself, and she was still regulating the pressure at a level that required me to use both my thumbs. Afterwards she expressed her thanks and seemed more relaxed.

For me the experience underlined the importance of establishing and working within a frame that the client can recognise and feel safe within. Initially, the lightest touch direct on the main tension was intolerable because there was no experiential frame that the client felt she could control. This reminded me of how unhelpful it is for someone to tell you that you are suffering while you are not ready to open to it. Later, after the cooperative work on her neck had established a frame for her, we could work successfully into the tension, starting in surrounding proximal areas and working distally. I was struck by how much better things worked once she was actively guiding the process herself rather than being processed by me. It seems to me that as massage therapists, we do not heal clients as much as help the clients heal themselves. Its not something done to the client, but something done by and with the client. It also gave me a sense that my ideas on psychosomatic tension were quite reasonable.

Massage for Chronic Psychosomatic Tension
18/01/2009

Chronic psychosomatic tension refers to long-term imbalances in psychic and muscular tone that manifest in the mind and body in a coordinated way.

Early researchers in the field of psychotherapy recognised the essential unity of the mind and body. However, the most influential of them, Sigmund Freud, excluded the body from a meaningful position in his theory, propagating the mind/body split that Descartes had instigated many centuries before. Consequently, for most of the 20th century, psychology and medicine have largely ignored psychosomatic connections, even to such an extent that the very term itself came to be used as a label for “phoney” symptoms. More recently, the New Age movement has drawn from Eastern tradition to generate an upsurge of interest in the mind/body connection, encouraging well-being activities such as meditation and yoga. Western medicine is beginning to adapt to the evidence of the efficacy of these practices, and the mind/body connection is being returned to centre stage in the understanding of illness. Due to the dual nature of the condition, treatments for psychosomatic tension can work with both the mind and the body. Massage therapy is a powerful body-based treatment modality that can greatly benefit clients suffering with chronic psychosomatic tension.

Stress and the HPA axis

One mind/body process that plays a pivotal role in generating chronic tension patterns is the HPA axis. The hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis controls the reaction to stress, regulating many body processes, including digestion, the immune system, mood and emotions, sexuality, and energy storage and expenditure. The HPA axis generates the primal fight or flight response to stress, secreting adrenal that brings the mind/body to a state of hyper-arousal. This is an adaptive response to an acute environmental stressor since it primes the mind/body to react quickly to a potentially dangerous situation. However, in the presence of a long-term stressor (either real or perceived) the HPA axis can “jam” itself into a constant state of hyper-arousal. Unable to switch off and recover, this state of constant anxiety causes a slow erosion of the body’s immune system, and chronic muscular guarding, particularly in the shoulders, neck and stomach. Chronic muscular guarding is a bracing response to pain or the threat of injury. It destabilises normal patterns of muscular tone, causing hypertonia and knots in the tensed muscles, and hypotonia and flabbiness in nearby protected regions. This is one way that chronic psychosomatic tensions come to manifest in the body. It is a potentially life-threatening condition that left untreated can lead to a total mind/body burnout, plunging the client into a state of total exhaustion lasting for months or years. More serious still, chronic psychosomatic tension has also been implicated in the onset of many auto-immune diseases. In a chronic state of hyper-arousal, the immune system becomes hyper-vigilant and in the absence of any real immune challenge misguidedly attacks a part of the client’s own body.

Negative Emotions and Psychic and Somatic Defense mechanisms

When we open ourselves to experience emotions such as grief, fear, anger, and joy, they are felt through our bodies. Extreme or chronic negative experiences cause psychological dissociation from our emotional responses. Such psychic dissociation is manifested in the body. One of the primary roles of muscular guarding is to restrict movement near the site of an injury in order to immobilise the area and protect it from further harm. Since emotions are also felt through our bodies, muscular guarding is the physical corollary of psychic dissociation. The body braces itself against the experience of negative emotion, physically locking the unwanted sensations out of our awareness. This compensatory process of physical and mental denial can generate chronic adaption in our character and body posture. Maintaining these defensive responses requires energy, and causes us to become rigid. In the same way as armour protects us against the outside world but limits our freedom of movement, chronic psychosomatic tension protects us against our own feelings. As with a heavy suit of armour, this protection requires energy to maintain, and also limits the range of our physical and psychological xpression as we become unconsciously preoccupied with defence.

Physical Signs and Symptoms

Chronic psychosomatic tension manifests in the body as changes in muscle tone (hypertonia and hypotonia) referred to as muscular guarding . Hypertonic muscle is stiff and tight under palpation, and can become knotted, particularly if the underlying injury has a long history. Hypotonic muscle feels flabby and soft, even spongy in extreme cases. Unlike guarding due to purely physical injuries, psychosomatic tension manifests in coordinated patterns that can physically restrain the client’s whole range of movement. Recent stressors often generate tension directly in the shoulders, neck, and stomach creating a hunched up posture, with rigid holding patterns across the upper arms and shoulders. Tension due to defensive dissociations can manifest in complex networks across the entire body that cause postural changes, either holding the client’s energy back, or up, or stifling their energy down inside their bodies.

It is important to note that chronic muscular guarding may reflect an entirely physical rather than psychosomatic process, the therapist must consider a full range of explanations. Long periods of typing can cause tension in the shoulders and neck, waitressing can cause tension in lumbar regions and hips, and sports can create specific muscular tensions.

Behavioural Signs and Symptoms

The best signs that a particular pattern of muscular tension may reflect a psychosomatic process come from the client’s behavioural responses. Careful massage work on or near psychosomatic tension often brings the client into contact with dissociated psychic content, thoughts and feelings that can elicit strong emotional responses. Resistance, defensive mechanisms, acting out, and emotional release are behavioural response patterns that can be activated by massage therapy work on chronic psychosomatic tension, and it is important for the therapist to be trained to recognise and understand these behaviours, and respond appropriately.

Treatment Strategy

Treatment strategies for chronic psychosomatic tension have all the normal elements of any massage program aimed at relaxation. Rather than bringing new skills to the table, what is required of the successful massage therapist is a change of emphasis, a shift in the focus of attention. What matters is the client’s subjective experience of being accompanied by the therapist during the journey of their massage. A good dancer must learn the steps of the dance until they become totally familiar, and listen carefully to the story of the music, before being able to articulate it and communicate gracefully. In the same way, the therapist’s must master a broad range of movements, and study the nature of the relationships between mind, emotion, and body in practice, before being able to successfully guide and support the awareness of the client.

Mind/Body Support

There is an undeniable intuitive aspect to successful massage work with chronic psychosomatic tension. There is a close relationship between chronic psychosomatic tension and trapped negative emotion and psychic pain. Dissociated feelings are locked away for the very reason that the client subconsciously believes that they are not safe to be experienced. Bringing awareness to these feelings is a deeply threatening process for the client. It should always be the client’s choice to proceed at their own pace. Failure to listen to and respect the client’s comfort levels will reduce the efficacy of treatment and in the extreme could lead to the danger of retraumatisation. A useful analogy is that of the massage session as a trip through the mind/body mansion of the client’s being, with the therapist as guide. The client’s past dissociated experiential states can be conceptualised as certain rooms inside the mansion that have be closed off and are no longer visited because they are considered too unpleasant and dangerous. Extending the analogy, chronic psychosomatic tensions can be imagined as the physical bars in the client’s body that prevent the client from entering these forbidden rooms. Working on or close to such tension patterns, we bring the client’s awareness to the threshold of these forbidden states. It must remain the client’s choice to relax the tension patterns and enter these stifled spaces, the therapist can only guide the client’s awareness, and provide support and reassurance through their presence. If the therapist blindly forces into the tensed muscles, the client will experience the work as invasive, and simply move their attention away, running elsewhere in the mansion, and thereby increasing their dissociation. If the client’s unconscious mind feels safe, and supported, and is ready to reintegrate the spaces, the tension patterns may relax, causing a flood of feeling as the client’s awareness slides into the reopened space. Intense emotions such as fear, sadness, and anger may be re-encountered at this point, and it’s essential that the therapist continues to accompany the client, providing non-judgemental (and preferably non-verbal) support during the release. Tension patterns have a tendency to reoccur, but with continuous treatment over time the client may reintegrate the dissociated states, often through a process of mourning, allowing them to change and become recontextualised. This permanently reduces their tension, freeing the client’s energy and mental and physical range of expression.

Therapeutic Frame

Put simply, the therapeutic frame is the set of agreed policies and environment that contain the therapeutic process. It covers such elements as payment, scheduling of appointments, cancellation policy, and relationship boundaries. While therapeutic frame is an important part of any massage therapy practice, it becomes particularly relevant in working with chronic psychosomatic tension. This type of therapy tends to be longer in duration and more profound than single-shot encounters, and this can deepen client/therapist attachment. The therapeutic frame provides explicit agreements that delimit the therapeutic process, allowing the client to understand clearly what they can reasonably expect and what lies outside the scope of therapy. With clear boundaries,clients can ask for things to which they are entitled, and understand why certain requests fall outside the frame, lending an important sense of security and stability to the process. By explicitly delineating the therapeutic frame, boundary transgressions can be more easily identified, allowing appropriate and timely reframing. Active management of the therapeutic frame is an important responsibility of the massage therapist engaging with this type of work.

Scope of Practice

Working with chronic psychosomatic tension, the massage therapist encounters the entire being of the client. As the therapist massages the client, accompanying and supporting them on journeys through their mind/body, it is not unusual for more explicitly psychic material to be encountered. As the client returns through their bodies to old dissociated experiences, memories and emotions often resurface. Re-experiencing and working through these memories and emotions can cause the client mental discomfort and potentially require psychotherapeutic support. In the same way that a massage therapist is a professional body guide whose tools are manual, so a psychotherapist is a professional mind guide whose tools are verbal. There is a danger of crossing the border between massage and psycho-therapy, bringing the therapist out of their scope of competence and into dangerous ground for both client and therapist, with many potential negative consequences. While the therapist must have some limited verbal communication with the client, during the session it should be kept to a minimum. It is the massage therapist’s hands that guide the client on their journeys. It is absolutely essential for the massage therapist to recognise and respect the limit of their professional competency and be able to refer clients in need of psychotherapeutic support to relevant resources.

House of Changes – Jeni Couzyn
22/05/2008

My Body is a wide house
A commune
Of bickering women, hearing
their own breathing
denying each other.

Nearest the door
ready in her black leather
is Vulnerable. She lives in the hall
her face painted with care
her black boots reaching her crotch
her black hair shining
her skin milky and soft as butter.
If you should ring the doorbell
she would answer
and a wound would open across her eyes
as she touched your hand.

On the stairs, glossy and determined
is Mindful. She’s the boss, handing out
Punishments and rations and examination
papers with precise
justice. She keeps her perceptions in a huge
album under her arm
her debts in the garden with the weedkill
friends in card-index
on the windowsill of the sittingroom
and a tape-recording of the world
on earphones
which she plays to herself over and over
assessing her life
writing summaries.

In the kitchen is Commendable.
The only lady in the house who
dresses in florals
she is always busy, always doing something
for someone she had a lot of friends. Her hands are quick and
cunning as blackbirds her pantry is stuffed with loaves and fishes
she knows the times of trains
and mends fuses and makes
a lot of noise with the vacuum cleaner.
In her linen cupboard, newly-ironed and neatly
folded, she keeps her resentments like
wedding presents- each week
takes them out for counting not to
lose any but would never think of
using any being a lady.

Upstairs in a white room is
my favourite. She is Equivocal
has no flesh on her bones
that are changeable as yarrow stalks.
She hears her green plants talking
watches the bad dreams under the world
unfolding
spends all her days and night
arranging her symbols
never sleeps
never eats hamburgers
never lets anyone into her room
never asks for anything.

In the basement is Harmful.
She is the keeper of weapons
the watchdog. Keeps intruders at bay
but the others keep her
locked up in the daytime and when she escapes
she comes out screaming
smoke streaming from her nostrils
flames on her tongue
razor-blades for fingernails
skewers for eyes.

I am Imminent
live out in the street
watching them. I lodge myself in other people’s
heads with a sleeping bag
strapped to my back.
One day I’ll perhaps get to like them enough
those rough, truthful women
to move in. One by one
I’m making friends with them all
unobtrusively, slow and steady
slow and steady.

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